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In the days that followed Lena struggled to make sense of the events that had overtaken her. She’d been attracted to other men since Adam. There had been a fumbled kiss in a storeroom among the discarded cables and unopened boxes of printer paper with a temporary line manager. But it came to nothing and she had been relieved when he moved on and her life returned to it’s well-regulated pattern. Through the few heady days the fliration had lasted she’d always felt in control.
But this was different. Her reaction to Paul was visceral. Her rational mind seemed unable to gain any purchase on what was happening. He was too old for her. He wasn’t even attractive. There was little in the way of charm that might have seduced her. So how could he possibly exert such a hold over her? It was as if Paul wasn’t just another man. Another man she could have dealt with. He was something else entirely. Something she was unprepared for. An alien creature, slippery and muscular, who had risen from his lair at sea and overwhelmed her defences. He had released something oceanic inside her. She could feel its tidal undertow.
With no alternative, she applied concealer to the mark on her neck and went on with her life. It shocked her that the world could veer so abruptly from its familiar pattern yet allow her to function as if nothing had happened. It helped that the space Paul’s van occupied in the car park remained empty. She wasn’t sure she could have coped if she’d had to deal with meeting him so soon.
When he began to invade her dreams so that even asleep she could not be free of him Lena passed the wakeful hours fantasizing how she might kill him. There was a rack of unused knives in his spotless kitchen. She would use one of these. A filleting knife with a long thin blade. She imagined the knife slipping between his ribs, the look of surprise on his face, the release. She would need to choose her moment. Lying back on the chequered tiles. She ran the scene in her head over and over, sleep further away than ever. She would have to be sure of her timing. To wait until he was inside her. Yes, then it would be rape. They would believe her. They would have to. Exactly how she would hide the knife was a detail she could gloss over for now. Open your legs, he would say. And she would have to open them. She saw him take his cock and guide it into her. Yes, that’s how it would be. He would be above her, bent forward driving his cock into her. His breathing ragged as he drew closer, sweat beading at his muscular neck where the fish leaped and danced. But as she replayed the scene in her head she could feel the narrative slipping away from her. She felt her legs closing around his back, pulling him in, found herself rising to meet each thrust as it came. And the knife was no longer there.
Strangest of all amid the emotional turmoil she found herself nursing feelings of resentment towards Adam. She realised the absurdity of this. He was as solicitous as ever. But his care and consideration were like a reproach. How could he not see what she herself could see? That something dark and deformed was lodged in her like shrapnel. How could he be so blind? It seemed impossible. She found herself withdrawing from him, pretending to sleep when his hand sought her in the dark. She knew he would not protest. Nor did he.
And then – the van was back. She hadn’t heard him. He must have arrived during the night. Lena stood at the window looking out at the car park.
– The wanderer returns, said Adam.
She still had no plan. No idea what she ought to say to Paul. His actions first in front Escort of the mirror and later against the wall in his pristine lobby had been powerful and definitive. She had been allocated a role and she had seemingly acknowledged and accepted it. It was blindingly simple. He would take what he wanted and she would give it. That was all. The thought left her light headed. Whether this was something she had invited was a question she didn’t want to answer. It was all too much to deal with. In the end she decided the simplest thing would be to let things take their course. That was her plan. It wasn’t much. But it was all she had.
Two days later she was waiting in a queue at the chemists, idly inspecting the boxes of pills stacked neatly behind the counter in the glass case. In front of her a woman was struggling to understand the prescription in her hand. The pharmacist was doing her best to explain. Lena could see herself reflected in the door.
And then someone left the queue behind her and came forward. Lena froze. Again that sense of gravity in the pit of her stomach. Paul leaned in.
– Box of Nurofen, pet, he said. Big one. You can bring it round this afternoon. Two oclock. Wear a dress.
And he left her.
She spent the morning in a state of confusion. Paul’s box of Nurofen rested quietly on the counter top beside the kettle. She stared at it. He’d simply asked her to pick up something for him at the chemists, hadn’t he. What was so strange about that? So why this inner turmoil? But she knew that wasn’t what he had done at all. He’d been precise in his instructions. He hadn’t asked her. He’d told her. Told her what to do and she had done it. Did that mean she would do more? The instructions hadn’t stopped there.
She came to a decision at last. She would go round to see Paul. There was no reason not to. She had the pills to deliver after all. But once there she would tell him plainly that things had to stop. There would be no more contact between them without others present. She would be quite clear about that. Her decision brought with it a wave of relief. She showered and dressed. Looked at the clock. Five minutes.
When she crossed the landing and rang the bell she found the door ajar. There was no response. She felt faintly absurd standing out on the landing. So she went in calling out to announce her arrival closing the door behind her. She found Paul in the living room.
– I brought you these, she said, holding up the box.
He was smiling at her.
– I’m not going to stay, she said at once to clear up any confusion. But there’s something I need to say. I’m just going to say it and then I’ll go.
She took a deep breath, then hurried on.
– I don’t know why this thing started between us. I shouldn’t have let it. That was wrong of me. I realise it’s partly my fault. I know we’re both adults and we can do what we please. But there are other people to consider. It’s not fair on Adam. I won’t do this to him. Not any more. So I won’t be coming round again. Whatever you say. At least not without someone else here too.
Paul didn’t reply. She’d been plain enough. He must have understood.
– Nice dress, he said at last. Black, simple, shows your legs.
He waited for her to respond.
– I only mention it because last time I saw you you were wearing jeans. I like the dress better.
The atmosphere in the room had thickened. She was having trouble drawing breath. It was all slipping away from her. She could not look him in the eye. Instead she stared at the fish on his neck.
– I can wear whatever I Escort Bayan like.
– I don’t think so, he said. I think from now on, I’ll choose.
She stood open mouthed unable to believe what she’d just heard.
And then he laughed.
– Too much, he said? Ok. I’ll tell you what. You can leave now if that’s what you want. We won’t talk about this again. How’s that? We’ll play nice and be neighbours, lend each other cups of sugar when we run out. Pretend nothing happened. All nice and civilized. What do you say?
He was letting her go. She struggled to formulate a reply. Thoughts crowded in on her but refused to arrange themselves in coherent sentences.
– Nice speech by the way. The consenting adults part.
Something heavy like mercury was flooding her bloodstream. Stopping her moving. Stopping her turning away and walking this back.
He watched her, letting the silence expand between them.
– You’re still here, he said.
She remained frozen on the thick carpet. Slowly Paul climbed to his feet and crossed the room. Still her limbs refused to move. He reached out a hand and cupped her cheek in his palm.
Not this, she thought. Not this.
Her head was swimming. She could feel the heat growing in her belly. He turned her face up to him, and brought his lips close to hers. He brushed her lips gently.
– You see, he said softly. You see, pet…
And she did. Saw then that walking away was beyond her.
He was kissing her. Her lips parted as his tongue forced its way between them. The intensity was overwhelming.
– Kneel down, he said.
She did as he asked.
– Undo my belt.
Her fingers fumbled with the slim buckle, but managed.
– Take it out.
For a moment she didn’t move.
– Take it out and put it in your mouth, he said.
And then her hands were round his stiff penis and she bent her head and took him in. He let her set the pace, standing quite still while she worked on him. And then he held her head in his hands and began to guide her, moving deeper so that she felt the swollen head against her throat and started to gag. He came out of her, but only for a moment and then the cock returned. The power of thought had left her. The world shrank to the sensations flooding her body, to the taste of him, as the hard flesh claimed her, again and again.
She could feel him drawing close. But as she braced herself and prepared to swallow he abruptly left her. She felt the sudden abandonment, then screwed her eyes shut as the warm semen landed. It was in her eyes, her hairline, falling from her cheek onto her dress.
He stood feet planted firmly apart, as the waves broke over him. She could feel the pull of the ocean, taste salt waves and spindrift in the air.
Open, he said. Open your mouth.
She did as she was told and felt him return to the space she had made for him..
It was ten days before Paul announced he was going back to sea.
She was lying on his bed, spent, her sex bruised from his repeated assaults. She heard him flush the toilet in the en suite. When he reappeared he was already dressed.
– When? She asked, dreading his reply.
He came over and took a nipple between his finger and thumb.
– Tomorrow, he said.
Staring into her eyes to guage her reaction he squeezed. She felt the pain blossom in her breast but gave no sign. Instead she took the pain into herself, held it there for him, like a gift.
– So you’re on your own, he said, releasing her. Think you can manage?
She shook her head.
He reached down Bayan Escort and slipped two fingers into her. She was still wet with their juices and his fingers slid easily inside. He moved to take her weight, as if to haul her from the bed on his outstretched hand. Gravity pulled her on to him. Sending him deeper. A low moan escaped her. How did he know to do this? She’d always told herself she liked the way Adam would stroke her. His fingers dancing over her lips with moth-like touches. As if her skin was fragile. Frail as rose petals. She had grown accustomed to these gentle fluttering ministrations. She found it endearing, this solicitude, this care. His unwillingness to harm her. Paul had none of Adam’s restraint. His powerful hands siezed her sex as if he would tear it from her. His touch was coarse, and unyielding. He scoured her with his thick fingers, abraded her as if he wanted to remove the stain of flesh from her bones. When he plunged into her he was entirely indfferent to her discomfort. He was an animal in rut, wild and dangerous. At moments like this she feared for her safety. And yet when he was gone she found herself anxious in case the sweet cruelties he visited on her had come to an end.
A fog of desire descended on her life. It found its way into every corner of her existence. She was infected with it. Waking and sleeping its heaviness blanketed her limbs. There was nothing rational in her feelings for Paul. This was something deeper, something chemical that operated in every cell of her body. His presence she realised left her in a state of continuous arousal. Now even the thought of him was enough to feel the pull of a sexual gravity that left her warm and wet. Her body was no longer hers. It seemed only to exist to provide refuge for his fingers, his tongue, his cock and at the first summons grew moist and ready to receive him. When he was not there her life was empty. She slipped into a state of erotic catatonia which she hid from Adam in a frenzy of activity. She took a week off work telling Adam she was going to redecorate the flat. She bought paint and brushes and set to work. But she did so knowing that soon the call would come and she would have to step out of the paint-spattered overall and hurry across the corridor to her marine lover. She would see the fish leap as the muscles of his neck strained and her legs embraced her powerful sinewed creature from the sea. Demanding and relentless he came to her again and again. Wrapping his fingers in her hair he took her mouth. He held apart her legs and used his penis like a club to beat her spread lips. Pulled her on to him so that under his assault she could hear their flesh collide. She held on tight while someone who was at once her and not her whispered in his ear.
– Hurt me. Please. Hurt me.
Implacable, he turned her over, parted her cheeks and drove himself into her.
Left to herself Lena sat before the largest of her mirrors and stared at the woman looking back at her. The glass surface seemed diseased where the silvering had failed. Dark blotches gathered at the edge near the gold frame like wounds. The light it returned was cloudy rendering the image in places entirely opaque. For the first time she began to wonder if she loved her mirrors not despite their faults but because they faithfully reflected the stains that disfigured her deepest self. She removed her tee shirt and slipped out of her bra. Positioned herself so that one breast appeared in area where the silvering remained. A dark bruise showed next to her nipple, where it became just one more blemish in the glass. The bruise was hers, but it belonged too to Paul, she thought. Like the breast. Like the rest of her.
A message pinged into her phone. She didn’t need to see who it was from.
– Ten minutes, it said.
She felt the tide take her.
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